I've been thinking a lot about the question Meredith asked...about how we were able to find the courage to pick up, move, and start a new life for ourselves. And I think there were several things that helped to facilitate such a leap.
1. A lot of years of visualization. We had been dreaming of it for a long time. Since we first got together. Heck, I think we may have even talked about it on our first date. With every visit home, we would discuss it more, adding considerable detail to our vision over the years. At one point we even fleshed out a fantasy of the day we would leave Raleigh, our belongings on a U-Haul, happy and free and headed to our beloved mountains. Of course the reality of that day--and of everything else since--did not exactly match our vision for it, but, wow, much of it was awfully darn close.
2. Paul getting sick. I know I mention this all the time, but I really believe that Paul's illness is an integral part of this story. Without it, we may have floundered in our fantasies for many more years, become entrenched in a life we couldn't leave behind, one that needed more and more money to feed. Paul's illness had the effect of stopping us in our tracks. His getting sick showed us just how short life is, just how quickly everything can disappear. It showed us what is truly important and what, quite simply, is not. It began a conversation between us about authenticity and values and meaning.
3. A strong marriage. We are not in any way perfect. We have our stressors, our fights, our triggers that we revisit over and over. But we also have this incredible connection between us--something a friend of mine once referred to as "the sweetie factor". We have a solid commitment to one another and to this family we have created. We share our dreams and support each other in realizing those dreams. We treat each other as a best friend--talking, sharing, laughing, playing, supporting, encouraging. Believe me, changing your life like this is stressful enough. I can't imagine making it through if we weren't solidly together.
4. Good financial planning. I must credit Paul for this. I grew up without the best money-management skills, but Paul has taught me so much and has kept our family on solid financial footing since we first joined households. The biggest factor in our favor is the fact that we do not carry debt (beyond our mortgage). We use our credit cards as true "charge" cards, paying them off every month. We do not buy cars, furniture, anything unless we can pay for it. In the early years this was a source of struggle between us, but I have grown to see that this one practice is what has given us the freedom to make this leap. Yes, we did make good salaries when we were first married, and over the years Paul's work in telecommunications has been lucrative in terms of stock options, but we were also in danger of building a life around something as frivolous and fleeting as money. It was Paul's insistence that we always live within our means that allowed us to move toward using the money we have to create a life that reflects our true values. It has also given us the savings that we are now using to invest in his graduate education, buying him a PhD without a huge debt hanging over his head at graduation.
(Note: I don't mean to imply that we are in any way independently wealthy, or that we aren't making sacrifices of several of our future financial goals--retirement, the children's college savings, to name a few areas of concern. As our income has been reduced to half what it was before, we face tougher choices in order to continue each month to live within our means and without debt. It's not easy to find ways to live frugally and we--mostly I--have a lot to learn. We just happen to think it's worth it to be able to live the life of our dreams.)
5. The support of our family and friends. One of our reasons for making this move was that we wanted to raise our children close within the circle of family. Our families have been wonderful in this regard--supportive in emotional, practical, and material ways.
Also, only one person in our circle of family and friends actually told us not to do this. While they may have thought it, none of our friends actually said out loud to us that we were crazy to try it. As scared and unsure as we were, it really helped to not have to fight the battle of others' ideas for our life.
6. Faith. Paul and I don't really discuss our faith publicly. We are decidedly not evangelical in our Christian beliefs. We do, however, try very hard to live our beliefs. Both of us have had experiences in our lives where we have felt an outside influence, a guiding hand. The year or so leading to and following our decision to move, we felt that influence very strongly--together. There were many times when what happened to us was completely beyond our control and yet unfolded in such a way that felt as if we were being led. A series of improbable events like runway lights, showing us the way. It was our faith in these events, in the Divine Intervention behind them, that allowed us to heed the message and to follow.
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So that is my list. These are the elements of our supposed courage, the determinants of our decision-making. I hope it helps.
Next (and last) in this reflection: What we've gained.
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Today I am thankful for...
all of those factors I've listed above...how they came together perfectly to change the course of our lives together
the opportunity, the blessing of this beautiful life.
