The situation has gotten better. Unfortunately, I have not.
Owen was back to her routine last week --back to school and regular bath time and regular bedtimes. I think it's made a difference for her behavior. While the tantrums have not disappeared, they've been cut in half. Until today, she's been healthy. Today she'd has a cold, scratchy throat, and cough. But her mood is okay. She's spent the day planting in the yard with my Dad.
My mood, however, is low. I've been in a deep funk since coming home from the hospital. At first I blamed it on the stress of the events of that week (birth, Owen sick, etc.). But once things settled down, my mood did not lift.
I feel as if the last days have passed in a fog of nothingness. I have no energy, no motivation to do anything. I can't concentrate. I have to force myself daily to brush my teeth and get dressed. I have no appetite--nothing tastes good to me. Of course I only sleep in short bursts, but that has more to do with newborn life than anything else. I can't nap because there's always something, someone that needs attention the very minute I get relaxed.
The worst part, though, is the way I feel I'm failing Owen. I know I'm being a good mom to Barrett. Her needs are easy--change her, nurse her, hold her. I can do that. But I have no energy for Owen. I have little patience for her constant chatter, the never ending "why?", the constant pleas for attention, the "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy..."
And I feel terrible for it. I feel as if I'm abandoning her in favor of Barrett. I feel like an an awful mother.
The irony of it is that I am a counselor by training. I teach psychology. I know about depression. I know about self-defeating thoughts and the vicious cycle they create. I just can't seem to change it myself.
