Alissa at Life's Little Adventures, recently did a post about the division of labor in her household. I found it interesting. First because I'm a bit of a voyeur in that I love to get glimpses of other people's lives and how they go about the every day (let's face it: that's why most of us read blogs). And second, because Paul and I will have the occasional argument or tense moment, let's say, because I'll get a bee in my bonnet that he's not "pulling his weight" and I'm having to "do everything around here." An argument, I'll admit, which is usually unfounded and based upon my having had a bad day.
So here goes:
Tasks that are exclusively my domain:
1. Laundry. Okay, so right off the bat, I must admit that with my mother as the baby's caregiver most of the week, she actually ends up doing a lot of the laundry. Thanks, Mom. I wouldn't survive without you.
2. Meal-planning and cooking. Of course, Paul does occasionally cook. For instance, he and Owen make pancakes most Saturday mornings. And if push came to shove, he could put together an omelet or burrito or quesadilla or something to feed the family. But planning weekly meals and preparing them is still almost exclusively my job.
3. Keeping the family social calendar. Not that we have much of a social calendar, but what I'm talking about here is keeping up with any dinner plans or lunch plans or appointments or even holiday and vacation plans. I take care of all of that. Same with doctor's appointments for the children, haircuts, holiday gift buying, knowing clothing sizes (as Alissa said) and related needs.
4. Childcare arrangements and child care. I arrange for daycare for Owen, for Grandma care for Barrett, for transportation to and from child care, for occasional babysitting (again Grandma). When they are not being cared for by others, I am the primary caregiver. I make sure they are fed and have clean and appropriate clothing and activities. That said, Paul does a great deal to help with the children (which I will itemize in a moment).
5. Packing for trips. Long or short trips. I will pack the children, myself, and usually, Paul.
6. Watering plants and feeding the wild birds. I do this because I'm the one who thinks about it.
7. Cleaning the kitchen sink. I hate to have a dirty sink. (Mom does this often, too. I think she hates a dirty sink as much as I do).
8. Concierge duties. Dropping things off at the cleaners, being home to let the repair professional in, making bank deposits, and other miscellany that rely on the fact that I have more "free time".
Tasks that are exclusively Paul's domain:
1. Earning the money for the household. Don't get me wrong, I do work. Officially, I work part-time and I am paid as a part-time employee. Which means, I get paid not much. In the summer, I don't work at all and I don't get paid at all. So our household budget relies exclusively on Paul's paycheck and the hours he puts in. That's no small contribution. In addition, any retirement monies we have, college savings for the kids, and health insurance all are provided by Paul.
2. Yard work. I am not necessarily proud to say that I have never in my life mowed a lawn. Growing up, I had brothers, and their job (David--there I put your name in) was to mow. When I lived on my own I didn't have grass to mow (townhouses, apartments and such). Then I got married, and Paul took over the task of mowing any lawns we've had. And, frankly, although I can and have raked leaves, mulched flower beds and done other yard tasks, I mostly leave that to Paul (and my Dad).
3. Taking the trash to the dump station. We live in the country, so we don't have trash pickup. Once a week, then, Paul will carry all of our trash and recycling to the dump station.
4. Maintaining the cars. Although I will take my car in to the shop, Paul is the one who pays attention to the level of fluids in the engine, the level of air in the tires, the maintenance that needs doing regularly.
5. Household repair. Paul keeps things maintained in the house--water heater, furnace filters, appliances, water filters, plumbing, etc. If he can't repair something himself, he's the one who arranges for the professional.
6. Cleaning the floors. Paul has taken this on as his task because he has a low tolerance for a filthy floor. So he vacuums, sweeps, and mops regularly.
7. Cleaning the kitchen counters. Again, a low tolerance issue. He hates for there to be food particles and grime on the kitchen counters.
8. Bath time for Owen. We have settled into a routine where Paul gives Owen her bath and I (or my Mom) will bathe Barrett. He washes her hair, makes sure her teeth are brushed before bed, and gets her dressed for bed. Sometimes he will read to her, sometimes I will, depending on her whim.
9. Taxes. Although I share in budgeting and bill-paying, Paul does our taxes. Every time.
Tasks we share:
1. Baby care. We're about equal on diaper changes. Same with getting up with Barrett (although she generally sleeps through the night, she gets up at the ungodly hour of 5am daily). Making formula and preparing bottles. Giving her a bottle. I (or again, Mom) mostly feed her and buy or prepare her food, and Mom or I will bathe her, but Paul shares equally the other responsibilities for Little Bear.
2. Dishes. This leans a bit toward me, simply because I spend more hours at home and because I'm picky about how the dishwasher is loaded. Still, Paul will quite readily clear the table and load the dishwasher when necessary.
3. Taking care of the dog. This, too, leans a little toward me because Paul doesn't really like feeding the dog and I don't mind so much. Again, my mother does it much of the time. We all let him out and/or walk him as needed. I arrange for vet care usually just as I arrange for doctor's visits for the children. We all give him his regular belly rubs and Paul and I share our bed space with him--sometimes Paul's side, sometimes mine.
4. Budgeting and bill-paying. We share this responsibility equally and sit down together once a month to pay bills and go over our spending.
5. Groceries. This used to be my job exclusively, until I complained one too many times about how much I dislike it. Now it's more common for me to write up a list based on the sale papers and my meal plan, give it to Paul, and let him to the shopping. Sometimes I still do it and sometimes we do it together, but lately Paul has taken this on more often than not.
6. Transportation. Sometimes I drive places, sometimes Paul does. It depends on who gets to the car first, whose position the seat is in, and who is most tired. Two days of the week, due to our schedules, Paul drives Owen to school. I take her the rest of the time, and I pick her up most days (although Mom picks her up Mondays and Wednesdays).
7. Cleaning the bathrooms. This is usually a function of which one of us becomes more disgusted by it faster. Sometimes that's me, sometimes that's Paul.
8. Making the bed. Usually I do it, because I feel better when my bed is made for some reason. But Paul will do it if I haven't gotten to it and he has time.
9. Straightening the house. I do most of this because my tolerance level for clutter is lower than Paul's, but he will certainly pick up clothes off the floor or toys strewn about the living room or books lying about.
10. Bedtimes and reading with Owen. This is usually a function of Owen's preference, which changes daily.
11. Discipline. I mean Owen here. Barrett is too young for more than a firm "No!" and a redirection from the outlet or electrical cord or knives or bleach she might be getting into. Owen, however, sometimes needs a time-out or a talking to. We share this equally, I think. I may have to fuss at her more because I have more time at home with her, but only a little. We always support each other's discipline and rules--at least in her earshot. If we disagree, we try to do it offline.
12. Initiating sex. There, I said it. Let's face it, once you've been married a while, this becomes a task that needs to be, well, almost scheduled. Or is that just us? Seriously, we have two small children. My mother stays with us three nights a week. We both work a lot of hours. Paul is in school. Please tell me you, too, would have trouble finding the time to connect in all of that. So, we will drop hints to each other. For example, on Wednesday, I might suggest to Paul that, say, Saturday night might be a good time. Once the kids are in bed. And the house is picked up. And homework is done. Then Saturday will roll around and one or the other of us will be too exhausted to consider it. But at least it's not one-sided. At least we are equal on that.
Tasks for which we receive a substantial amount of outside help:
As you know we live reasonably close to our families. My Dad lives only minutes away. My Mom lives about and hour and a half away. Paul's parents live an hour away. So we receive a great deal of help in managing our schedules and two kids.
1. For example, my Mom comes to our house on Monday afternoons and stays with us until Thursday afternoons. Monday and Wednesday nights she takes care of both children while I go teach my evening class, usually from about 3:30, until Paul gets home after 6:00. Tuesdays and Thursdays she cares for Barrett while I am at school from 7:00am until 4:00pm. But she does more than that: she is our exclusive babysitter for the occasional dinner out. She helps me care for the children even when I'm home during the week (Mondays and Wednesdays). She is always at the ready, always pleasantly willing to help me in any way I need.
2. During the time she is at our house for childcare, Mom is usually doing other household tasks. Mostly laundry and ironing, but other things, as well. Keeping the clutter down, doing dishes as needed, cleaning the sink, cleaning off the deck, sorting and putting away the children's clothes, etc.
3. Sometimes (honestly, most weekdays this summer) my Dad will cook for us. He is a wonderful cook and is teaching me to be braver, more improvisational in my cooking.
4. Dad also does the gardening, flower and vegetable. He has a helper in Owen, but our gardens are really Dad's creation, Dad's work.
5. Transportation and child care. Dad helps here, too. Dad will pick Owen up from school on occasion. Last year, he picked her up twice a week and took care of her until I got home. He even took care of her when she was sick. I mean throwing up sick. Something I'm told he never did with his own children, but that's another tale. Mom, too will transport and care for either or both children as needed (see above).
So, what does all of this tell me? I guess that I'd better quit bitching. I've got it pretty darn good. A helping husband and many extra helping hands. I am, truly, blessed.
How does it all shake out in your house?
