So many things I want to blog about: continuing and further explaining my post about work below (see Vacation, All I Ever Wanted); our reasons for wanting to simplify; how the stuff in our lives is taking over; how I am a truly a material girl living in a Yuppie world; our vision of what we would like life to be for our family…
I have many ideas and thoughts and introspections swirling in my head that I need to express, that I want to share.
But tomorrow Paul is having surgery. He is getting a total hip replacement. After more than five years of pain and limitations. After nine months of battling infection and the removal of his previous implant and the dark cloud of not-knowing.
So today we are struggling with fear.
It seems to Paul that so much is riding on this surgery. So much depends on this surgery being successful. He needs for this to go well. He needs to walk again on his own. He needs to have this behind him, to be telling the story rather than living it.
I know—and he does, too—that if he were never to walk again, we would be okay. We would make the necessary adjustments and go on and live rich and happy lives, grateful for the blessings we have (maybe eventually learning to be grateful for the blessing of the limitations of the body).
But Paul also knows that we are envisioning a life based on his walking through it. We are trying to create a life that requires him to be healthy and participating. And if he were honest about it, he would tell you that the fear is more than just about the surgery and his hip. It’s about changing our lives. It’s about whether or not we can actually do this. It’s about whether or not he can do what it takes to live the life he dreams of.
I try to reassure him, but I have no answers, really. And I share his fears. But for me, one of the things I fear most is what my life would be like if I didn’t try to achieve my dreams. What I would be like if I didn’t even try. I am afraid of living a life with no meaning, no purpose. This is why I firmly believe in the quote in my header: “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” I have to believe it. I can’t not believe it.
I may not be posting for a couple of days while Paul is in the hospital. Please send us your prayers, vibes, good thoughts, lovingkindness, or whatever you believe in.
I’ll leave you to ponder two additional quotes. I don’t know who said the first one, but Paul quotes it often to himself and to me. The second he sent to me today as it serendipitously landed on his computer.
“Obstacles are what we see when we take our eyes off our goal.”
“To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.” –Joseph Chilton